influences

well, for starters school was great, for those of you who wanted to ask.

today we found out what our scores meant, scores in our personality tests. the most notable result was that i had a lot of masculine features in me, well not physically that is. it means i am tough, doesn't easily get disgusted by disgusting things and i like a lot of boys stuff which is not bad and that i don't deny. i like a lot of guy-thing/s because i find it fun and cool. (so go ahead and shoot me!) i will not in any way justify it but rather i'll try to rationalize it and see why that came about. for one, in my life i have seen women portray male roles and be good at it so i see that its normal and its good. i have seen a lot of women do better jobs than men so i felt that being strong and determined is not only a male thing but can be done by women as well... for example in the two people power that this country witnessed its always the women who save this county. its a sign that women will be the saving grace of humanity. my theory is that being exposed in this kind of phenomena gave me the reason to like guy things and not be ashamed of it, this women made me strong, empowered and made it okay to take charge. and i think the bigger reason for my propensity for male things is that these are my only connection to the most important males in my life. that being my brother, father and friends. we are not always together but when i watch basketball and wrestling and these kind of things, it makes me feel that they exist and that they are with me although not all the time. i don't need to justify it and it doesn't gave me any doubt of my sexuality but instead i see that a lot of things influence us and our growth, its either good or bad, but whatever it is, it makes us who we are we just have to know how it will be for our greater good.

another thing on influences, well i have been thinking a lot (i have a high T for Thoughfulness in my GZTS results) about the things i want to accomplish this semester. in suamary i want to do more and be more but i am afraid of what people might think on my way to achieving these goals. i am afraid of their behind-my-back talks, i don't want them to think that i am all-that and i want the attention, like in class, i know i can do something but i am afraid to raise my hand and volunteer because i don't want them to think that i am such a kiss up. sometimes i really really want to recite consecutively but i'm afraid that my classmates would think i hug the spotlight too much. their thoughts influence me so much, its scary really. i guess this is my curse, because i have a high T (its in 95%ile) i think too much of what they might say to me and i'm scared out of my wits.

sometimes i fell that maybe we should be islands so that we don't have to interfere and intervene in each other's lives, well like that's possible. i just hope i know how to lessen this influences so that i can have fun in my life. (fun being doing the things you like although people might think its stupid and pathetic)

Maria Francia Posted At 10:56:00 PM

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