controversial

I have always proven two things to be therapeutic, that’s music and writing. In these moments of doubt and pain, these are the two things that can get you through. Hopefully, this will be he first and the last entry that will be filled with hurt and pain. So that I can move on with my life, I need to write what I feel. A lot has been stored in my mind, I do not necessarily react to them because I don’t feel any significance doing that. Every time there is an issue hurled against us, I do not react nor answer it directly. Rather, I keep it inside and contemplate about it.

I’m not going to answer everything point by point because this is not the proper venue, the people concerned may not be able to read this and it might reach them the wrong way that would further cause confusion and again conflicts. So I’d rather not go to the details.

The past weeks have been crammed with pain mostly because of the internal and external struggles going on. It feels like I have been mugged and the perpetrators are giving me blows left and right. I feel tired already from defending the society’s/board’s every move. I have to defend every decision or lack thereof. I have to explain to everyone why this and that and it get to be tiresome. Then people will tell you how to run things, of course I don’t have the monopoly of knowledge but sometimes dictating to me what needs to be done is disrespectful and shows lack of trust in me and my abilities. I feel so burdened by the people’s every wants and needs, they feel that when they ask something it should be prioritized because of whatever reason. They do not understand that this is a society not a per year level organization nor per section, we don’t think of one particular section, we think of everyone’s welfare. People get so myopic sometimes, they would just think of their own welfare not the rest, and allegiance is not to the society but more to the section where they belong. This leads me to think that maybe we are not really united. That we’d rather be in service of the immediate people surrounding us not the entire populace who needs us. Basically the reason why we are finding it difficult to find people who would participate in activities, you need to coax, cajole and intimidate them before they agree to join, basically the reason why it’s difficult to muster support for their fellow BeS majors. It really pains me to see the same people joining and participating in our activities. I want those not so involved be really be involved so that they would feel what its like to be BeS Majors. And what is most painful is that I don’t have to battle with the external forces, which I’ll discuss later on but I also have to fight with internal forces, something that is really painful because we should at least show semblance of unity.

Then external forces are trying to ruin us by emotional torture and what is really infuriating about it is that they are targeting our younger population. Nasty comments have been made and these put doubts on the kids’ mind whether they made the right decision or not and it puts the society on a very bad light. It just so happen that I have a very strong link with the younger population that’s why they don’t get carried away by those nasty comments and with their very limited knowledge they defend us from these external forces.

It’s really painful, as in! MASAKIT TALAGA! Sometimes I ponder and question why I entered this position, I was safe within the class, I would just have to study and I’ll be alright more than alright. But here I am risking everything, putting everything on the line with no guarantee of payback. Just the resources I have already spent on being the president are not commensurate. Why am I risking everything? Why did I let myself be exposed to this suffering and pain?

I asked God to answer me, I found my answer in the Homily last Sunday. Of course I can’t quote in verbatim, but the essence was that “return to Ceasar what belongs to Ceasar and, give God what is due to God.” Upon reflection, maybe what God is trying to tell me through the homily is that I should not dwell on what other people may think, I should not care of what people may say, I should not think of what other people may do. It would just have to be pleasing in God’s eyes and everything will be alright. All endeavors should be lifted to Him because indeed He is the source of everything and the priest put it perfectly when he said that before anything else, we are sons and daughters of God, even before I am the president of the society, I am God’s humble creation. It make things so clear, that in everything I do, for the society or for anybody for that matter, it must be first pleasing to God and when God is pleased He will continue to shower you with graces. In everyone, every face, every member of the society there resides God when I make Him happy and then my members will be happy as well.

The burden at least has been mitigated but of course there will be pains and hurt most of the time, I’m just happy that God gave me this feeling that would overcome the hurt and the pain. As fleeting as the feeling maybe, I don’t feel much of the brunt because this feeling resides in my heart. I’m happy at least, I love therefore I exist. God in His infinite wisdom knew that I will be hurt because of the mission he gave me so he introduced me to the feeling that would give me the strength and patience to continue. The situation is uncertain definitely but I’m just happy for the feeling. I always thank God for giving me that feeling. He’s showing me that although there is pain God would always love me by bringing people into my life.


Prayer:

Dear God,

I know that I’m not worthy to be you daughter but still you continue to shower me with grace and with that I will be eternally grateful. Lord, thank you for the gift of life, thank you for bringing these people in my life, thank you for showing me your kindness and thank you for the feeling. Thank you for the pains and hurt, it makes me see your true beauty and essence, that in darkness you face shines forth and you blinding love encompasses the suffering this world has to offer. Lord help me be an instrument of your love, help me be the light to others. Fill my heart with so much love that I might share it with everyone.

Amen.

Maria Francia Posted At 12:08:00 PM

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survey from odyssa

1. how's your day? - well, this day has been one of those days where you get to relax and just chill out, i'm a bit relaxed right now at the same time apprehensive because of the labor standards exams tomorrow, i haven't reviewed the entire chapters that need to be reviewed. but i'm okay nonetheless. its also a quiet day, a day to reflect and think and be reallt grateful.

2. complete the statement: "i feel..." - happy and hopeful.

3. what you gonna do after this? - get back to studying labor, labor, labor. i know i'm going to sound like a geek here but i really love studying. promise!

4. your song to describe your previous day? - hmmmm... tulog na? its because i have been singing this song the whole day.

5. listening to music? - no, it's more of noise

6. have any pet? - no. i really don't like animals

7. your favorite scent? - cologne fresh, don't like perfume.

8. time? - 5:00 PM

9. missing someone? - no, not really. i have all the important people close to me, right here in my heart so that i won't miss them. (hahahahaha! psycho statement)

10. the last person to give you a testi? - not sure but i think its arneil, mae salamana's boyfriend in case you don't know.

11. your latest fashion statement? - i don't have any fashion statements since i wear my uniform almost 7 days a week. well if you consider looking like everyone else a fashion statement then that's my fashion statement. i accessorize it with a blue jansport backpack and my cool school shoes.

12. the best summer ever? - none that i can remember.

13. last thing you did last night? - i had a movie marathon last night. first, dying young it starred a younger julia roberts and campbell scott, who by the way looks so good eventhough he has leukemia in that movie. second, armaggedon (is my spelling correct?) although it seemed surreal i enjoyed watching it because it's action packed and liv tyler is amazingly fair. then i watched a movie in disney channel, i didn't get to start the movie but it was alright. then before i slept i was texting someone.

14. least favorite class to attend? - refer to the entry entitled realizations.

15. complete the statement: "in 10 years i will be..." - wiser. (ditto!)

16. most valuable for you? - loyalty, honesty, love and companionship.

17. favorite fast food? - KFC

18. the day your birthday falls on..? - september 23, that was a friday, very memorable i get to spend it at odyssa's house, guess what, doing a project.

19. hungry? - yes, although i had a big brunch. i'm always hungry these days.

20. last thing you ate? - i had lechon kawali for lunch, haven't eaten since then.

21. you're looking forward to what day/s..? - the day you said goodnight? hahaha. actually i'm looking forward to monday. i hope our plan to go to SM San Lazaro pushes through, i haven't been to that place since it opened and i want to see it before i leave UST. it's not matter of survival but it would still be great if we could go there. of course with someone, someone. plus, GRADUATION when we get reap what we have sown.

22. how many cds are there in your collection? - not that much.

23. sunny days or rainy days? - rainy. i'm a bit melodramatic, i love it when it rains and you get to walk barefoot and just stand in the rain or just be in the house and read while your favorite cd is playing on the background. of course it would be another issue when it floods and you're in UST. that's a different story.

24. what made you write a survey? - i saw it in odyssa's blog and since i don't have anything to write about, this one would just have to fill the void. actually i have lots of things to write but that will be on another entry.

25. expectations for tomorrow? - expect the unexpected! nyahaha. no, i'm optmistic and hopeful that everything will be alright.

Maria Francia Posted At 4:20:00 PM

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new

tagal ng post noh...

napakawalang kwenta ng entry na to.

gusto ko lang i-share ang mga bago sa buhay ko.

new favorite ulam ko - lechon kawali na minatamis na may large chunks ng tofu, plus may sibuyas at kung anik anik.

new favorite songs - prom, tulog na, mariposa, all by sugrafree

basta maraming bago. masaya.

kaya lang masakit sa load. nawala na kasi ang globe unlimited eh.

basta happy.

oh happy days!

Maria Francia Posted At 7:45:00 PM

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